Terrifying and Wonderful

I've been in love before. I love my family. I fell in love with the hubby pretty quickly, and very hard. That hasn't changed. But this new person who has come into my life has introduced me to a new kind of love that is at once wonderful and terrifying.

I love the Baby Boy. I always knew that I'd love my children; that's what mommies do, right? But the ferocity of this love has taken me completely by surprise. In my case, it was love at first sight, but the love has grown so much more since that first meeting on an operating room table, since the first time we looked into each others' eyes, since the first days at home. It has taken over.

I'm not saying that there's nothing else in my life that's important. If anything, my love for the hubby has only grown along with this new love. I still enjoy the things I enjoyed before. Things are just different, now.

Now this little fellow invades my dreams at night, for better or worse. Sometimes I want to cry when I watch him sleeping, because my body can't hold in everything that I'm feeling. I pray every night when I put him to bed that God will watch over him through the night, and then I go and double-check that the doors are locked. The thought that anything could take him away from me tears me to pieces. It's not a rational fear; I know that the odds are that everything will be relatively OK. And I don't obsess about his safety during the day - I like to think I'll be able to let him be adventurous and independent as he grows. I trust that God will take care of us. It's not easy, though.

The fear that we'll be separated is terrible, but it has one benefit: When the Baby Boy and I are together, I remember to enjoy every minute we have. Life is unpredictable, and childhood is mercilessly short. Every moment with my love is precious, and I plan to enjoy every one, especially during this time when I'm still the centre of his world.

And the love itself, while it scares the bejeezus out of me sometimes, is truly wonderful. My heart warms at the thought of this lovely little person. He makes me laugh. He pulls me out of myself, and lets me live for someone else, because it's hard to be selfish when you're so full of love for another person. I wonder if God allows us to have His precious little ones so that we can have a little taste of the love he feels for us.

My own mother told me something when I was pregnant that I believed, but didn't understand at the time. She said that to have a child is to allow your heart to live outside of you for the rest of your life. What a terrifying thought... and what a wonderful gift.