Friday, April 27, 2007


OK, ladies, let's come to order. Ladies? Gals? MOMMIES! That's better. Thanks.

Let's get this meeting started. For the written record, this is the first meeting of the proposed Mommy Union- got that, madam secretary? Wha- arrowroot biscuits in the keyboard? Just take notes be hand, then. What was I saying? Oh, meeting. We're here to discuss our position for upcoming negotiations. It's time that our situation improved, time that we were appreciated for the many jobs we do.

OK, whose phone is that? No... A marble in his nose? Yes, you may be excused.

Back to business. I'm handing out a list of proposed points for negotiation- we'll read over them, and discussion will follow.

Point 1: The pay sucks- sloppy kisses and toothless grins aside, of course. When's the last time one of us cashed a paycheque for what we do? I heard that a recent estimate put the value of a Mommy's work at over $130,000 a year. This may be a bit low- we're looking into it.

Point 2: Sick days. We don't get 'em. If anyone else in the family is sick, we're there with acetaminophen, towels and a barf-bowl. When we're out with a bug that we probably caught from the kids, though, we can't call in sick. No one fills in for us- most of the time, anyway. Even if we get to lie down, there's still the soft knock at the door; "Mommy? Mommy, will you play Candyland now? It won't make you frow up..."

Point 3: Working Hours. In the early months of our careers, work is 24/7, with no regularly scheduled lunch or coffee breaks. Even after the kids are sleeping through the night, or when they're off to school, we're on-call every hour, every day. And weekends and holidays off? Fuggedaboudit. Those are a Mommy's busy season! Point 4: Pension. Not only are we not getting paid, we also have a retirement plan that consists of crossing our fingers and praying the kids pick a decent retirement home. At this point it looks like most of us are headed for Barneyville retirement castle, but we're hoping that our prospects will improve in the future.

Point 5: Workplace safety. Yes, a babyproofed home may seem like a safe work environment, but this is true only if you ignore the regular tripping over baby-gates, burns from hot trays of chicken fingers and the inevitable regular exposure to toxic wastes we encounter while on diaper-duty.

Mommies, this is unacceptable. No one else in this country is expected to work under these conditions. Um... there is one teensy little problem, though. See, we seem to have very little of what they call leverage.What are we going to do if they don't give into our demands? Anyone willing to strike? Show of hands... See, there's the problem. Will we quit if our demands are not met, so that our families will have to bring in expensive nannies, chauffeurs, maids, personal shoppers, tutors and accountants? No, no I'm not going to do that. You? No? Right...

Well, we'll discuss this next week. You are all going to be here next week, right? Nancy? Ballet recital, eh? Oh, tell Beatrice I said break a leg. No, not really. Jane? Uh-huh, OK. Well, we'll reschedule. Um... I'll call you. As soon as we figure out where the dog buried the cordless phone.

Meeting adjourned.

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