Time Flies

A few nights ago Simon started crying in his sleep. This isn't unusual, and I usually give him a boob, he eats a little and goes back to sleep, everyone's happy. Ever since his top teeth started coming in, though, I've been a little sore, so I fixed him a bottle instead. He was fine with that; he didn't even wake up. And for some reason I started to cry.

I guess I cried because we had made it almost a year breastfeeding... and I realized that I have no idea where that year went. I have tried to appreciate every day I've had with my baby, even the tough ones, and it still wasn't enough. I'm so proud of the little boy my baby is growing into, but I miss the tiny little guy who relied on me for everything. It seems like just a few months ago that I was holding that little bundle with the big blue eyes for the first time. Wasn't it a couple of weeks ago that he smiled at me for the first time? When he sat up all by himself and looked so proud? How did Simon go so quickly from the new little fellow who just ate, slept, cried and pooped to this sturdy toddler who pulls up to cruise along the furniture, who knows how to make a video play on the VCR, and who would like to feed himself this time, thanks-very much? (and who still eats, sleeps, cries and poops...)

This is how it's supposed to be; the ultimate goal of parenting is to raise a child who can live his own life. Independence is a good thing... right? Sure it is. But it breaks Mommy's heart, too. Every step he takes toward being his own person is a step he takes away from me. He went from living inside of me to existing as an individual the day he was born, but he still needed me for everything. Then he learned to amuse himself... and hold his own bottle... and eat real people-food... how to tell me "no, that's not what I want right now, Mommy"... and to get himself where he wants to go. I'm so happy that he's growing into a sweet, happy, normal kid, but it's a bittersweet happiness.

The good news is that I still have quite a few years of being one of the most important people in Simon's life. I hope that even when he's a big boy, he'll still know that I'll always be his Mommy, and I'll be here whenever he needs me. My hope for these next years is that he'll spread his wings wider and wider until he's ready to take off and fly on his own... but I'll always he here to catch him if he falls.