Conspiracy Theory

Listen carefully. The truth has been revealed to me in a dream. There is a conspiracy, and it concerns every woman of "child-bearing age" (ugh- I hate that term. Like you get your period and suddenly THAT's how you're defined?) and those who shop for them. What you are about to learn will shock and anger you. You have been warned.

Here's how the dream went, as far as I can remember: I'm sitting at a table at an outdoor cafe with my mom and her twin sister, Kathy. Kathy has been complaining about the back pain she has been suffering for years...

Kathy: My doctor told me there's really nothing they can do for me. They can't do surgery or anything... I guess I'll have to get my painkiller prescription refilled on the way home. I don't know what I'm going to do... [rubs her lower back]

Mom: [slamming her fist down on the table, rattling the water glasses and silverware] That's it! This has been going on way too long! I went through the same thing, Kathy, and you need to know that there is a solution to your problem, but it's not one that They are going to tell you about...

At this point in the dream, mom tells us about The Tampon Industry and their Conspiracy. The details are a little fuzzy, but what it boils down to is this: My aunt's back pain, and that of millions of other women, is caused not by a back problem, but by a uterus problem. That's why back surgery will never help the pain, you see. The obvious solution (at least according to dream-logic) is to perform a hysterectomy on women suffering from this ailment, and all will be well. But someone is standing in the way of this solution. That's right: The Tampon Industry.

See, if women are all out getting hysterectomies to cure their back pain, where will that leave the Tampon Industry (or Big Tampon, as it will now be called)? They're making billions off of their over-priced product.

You may have wondered, as I have in waking life, "why do tampons cost so much, anyway?" Two answers: 1) What the hell are we going to do, boycott the product? I think not. 2) The Tampon Tax. In the dream, my mom whips out a pie chart. It looks a lot like the ones you see on gas pumps, the ones that break down a dollar spent on gas- materials, refining costs, profit... and TAX. The big piece of the pie. Yes, the government is in on the conspiracy, people! If women aren't buying tampons, the government isn't getting its tampon tax, and that cannot be allowed to happen.

"Oh, they're all in on it," Mom tells us in a whisper, stashing the pie chart. "Big Tampon, the government, even the doctors. You don't think they're getting paid off to keep the back pain thing a secret? Please. They're making millions off of this little secret they're keeping..."

That's all that I learned in my dream, and no more details came out in the nights that followed. Weird, right? And yet strangely plausible... listen, if I suddenly disappear, you know they came to shut me up.

PS- I'm not crazy. I am fully aware that this was just a dream, and unfortunately, it was a fairly typical one for me. Some day I'll have to tell you the "A Part of our Heritage" dream, with the Chinese immigrants in the hotel room... never mind.

PPS- I am also aware that this has nothing to do with mommyhood. Except for the part about "child bearing age". But really, wasn't this more fun than me whining about teething? I thought so.